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My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I just tested negative for patience.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
this could fix me
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.