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Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori