You Might Also Like
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”