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Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Me when my alarm goes off
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.