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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
thank god
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
What a chick magnet..
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Only Americans understand
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.