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Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.