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*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*