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* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.