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[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.