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Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…