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My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*