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A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Oh no
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
never compromise your values
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]
Me: Oh. You’re staying?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.