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“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Kids: Stay in school.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.