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ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Effort made
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Something Saturday.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
good work, everybody
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?