You Might Also Like
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.