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“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.