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“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.