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(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
next question.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
saw this in a dream
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.