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*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
“How’s your day going?”
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”