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My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.