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[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.