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Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy