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*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit