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To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work