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10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.