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A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Home is where your toilet is.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.