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Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Barbie gone wild
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.