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I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
no one likes gloating
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If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
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My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I really had high hopes for this year though
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Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see