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If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I love it all
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I’m the neighbor
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?