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The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably