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A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!