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First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Nothing.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I feel attacked.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart