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I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
✌🏽
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
We will use anything but the metric system
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home