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Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*