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6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
💻🤡
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.