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Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Close call…
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.