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Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty