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My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.