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me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.