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If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I鈥檓 sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They鈥檙e all waiting, can I go get married now?
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
馃摳: @thesproutingsunflower
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you鈥檝e been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it鈥檚 because I haven鈥檛 been listening
also my go-to takeaway order
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.