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if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
oh you wanna fight?!
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”