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I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
shakira sharkira
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*