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wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
And that about sums it up.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV