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If you breakdance you buy dance.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
Sure. Why not?
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?