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god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?