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HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
SQUARREL
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
$4 #usedbooks
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”