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At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I support this random dude and all his protests
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.