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I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
🔥🔥
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Better luck next time champ
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.