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Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.