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My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today