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My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
💯😂
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Natty or not?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me: Why are you in my bed?
8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
when the buffet is more honest than your date
