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No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I stand by it
