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“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Close call…
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.