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found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
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Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
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Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH