You Might Also Like
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”