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I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
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Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
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SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
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Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*