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I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex