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Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.