You Might Also Like
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
In case you needed to hear it:
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer