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If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
She was REALLY feeling it.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in