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I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.