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That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Always 🥴
