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Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
i did the math
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?