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My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…