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(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?