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evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.