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If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Story of my life…..
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.