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This dude got his own movie?
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
technically true but not a great slogan
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My dog after a walk in the woods.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras