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I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.