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Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
dude it’s called proctologist
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
As per my previous tablet…
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better