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[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Cats (2019)
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Did my cat write this
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?